In an impressive castle in a magical kingdom, a king and queen sat moping in their boudoir.
"This kinging is boring" moaned the King from the edge of their bed. "I wish something exciting would happen."
"Well, queening is even duller" sighed the Queen as she brushed her long ebony hair in front of her enchanted mirror. She was counting each stroke of the brush. "...98, ...99, ...100. There. That's that done." She turned to her husband and said, with a gleam in her eyes, "Fancy trying for a baby again?"
Nine months later...
"Phew!" exclaimed the King. "That last nine months went quickly."
"Didn't it just" the Queen agreed. "Well, I suppose we'd better get our little bundle of joy christened."
"Don't you mean to have a non-denominational naming ceremony, Dinah my dear?"
"What? Oh. Yes. Very well."
"What shall we call her?" the King asked, pleased that his wife had been too tired after giving birth to question him.
"Her, Skillz?" she asked, quizzically. "It's a boy!"
"Really?" The King was surprised at this revelation. He hadn't taken too much notice of the slime and gunk covered grub that had emerged from between his wife's legs, for fear of throwing up. But he certainly didn't recall seeing anything that might indicate its boy status.
"Yes. His little tayloo was just tucked between his legs, that's all."
"So, why all the pink and sequins?" he eventually thought to ask, thinking of the nursery full of girly clothes, blankets and toys.
"I wanted a girl. I just assumed that that's what we'd get. I am the Queen, after all."
The King rolled his eyes out of sight of his wife, and muttered under his breath, "I hope it doesn't grow up to be a notorious homosexual..."
One week later at the
"Well. That went rather well, I thought?" the King said as he laid his sleeping baby back into his cot on the dais next to the thrones. He smiled at the throngs of people gathered below who had just witnessed his son being named.
"Mmm..." the Queen agreed, vaguely. "I wonder what presents we're- I mean, what presents little LeJour Peter is going to get? I could do with a new robe..." she tailed off as she noticed her husband's narrowed eyes. "Umm... To wear whilst out walking him, of course" she finished off, rather huffily.
"Actually, a Scalextric wouldn't go amiss either." Seeing his wife about to launch into one, the King hurriedly countered with "To get him started on learning the rules of the road, etc. etc."
The Queen calmed down, but a look of mild concern fell upon her porcelain features. "you know," she started, "I keep having this feeling that we've forgotten something."
"Hush up! Here come the gifts!"
A little while later, a huge pile of presents stood beside the cot containing the still sleeping LeJour. Three fairies stood before the pink cot, two of them yet to bestow their gifts...
"My gift to little LeJour" declared the Willow fairy, reaching into the cot to stroke the baby's soft, plump skin "is the gift of beauty: Gold of sunshine in her hair, and lips that shame the red, red rose- Oh, fuck!"
"Willow!" scolded her companion, the fairy of sleep, Snooze. "Whatever is it?"
"It... It's a boy!" Willow stuttered.
"A boy?! But" and Snooze gestured around with her wand, "look at all the pink!"
"She always wanted a girl" Dora the Firefly fairy interjected.
"But... But, it doesn't have a penis!" Snooze hissed.
Willow rummaged around in the cot, while the King and Queen were otherwise engaged talking to some other guests. "It's tucked between it's legs" she hissed back.
"Shit. I've given a really inappropriate gift, then" Dora admitted.
"Why?" asked Snooze. "What did you give?"
Before Snooze could answer, muffled noises of some commotion outside the throne room distracted them...
* t w a n g *
* poof *
* CLUNK *
"Oof! Bugger. Who'd've thought there'd be a Cusp Interface on Cybertron?"
* CLONK *
"Ow! Where am I? Oh."
And then the throne room door crashed open, revealing a tall, pale skinned figure with yellow eyes and massive black horns. It was clad in a black and purple robe with bat wing-like edges and clutched a staff with a glowing green orb at the tip. On the figure's shoulder perched an evil-looking blackbird...
"What's going on here?!"
Queen Dinah slapped her hand to her forehead. "Fuck!"
"Dear!" King Skillz reprimanded, shocked and embarassed at her outburst.
"I forgot to invite IDV."
"Yes. You did" I said as I
"Pssst!" Willow hissed, elbowing me again. "It's a boy."
"What?" I whispered in return, momentarily taken aback. "Really?" I peered into the cot for a closer look. "Looks like a girl to me."
Willow reached into the cot and uncrossed the baby's legs. "See?" she said smugly.
"Blimey. Ah, well," I shrugged. "Anyway, where was I?" Beaky cocked his head and turned to look me in the eyes. I tried not to flinch. "Oh, yes: I'm going to give you and your little boy a gift you won't forget!"
"Now, look here, IDV old chap..." King Skillz said.
"'Old chap'?! Why, I'm only twentythirteen, I'll have you know" I blustered. "Today actually" I seethed, quietly. * huff * And stop trying to distract me. My gift to you and LeJour, is a curse. On her-" There was that elbow in my ribs again.
"His" Willow insisted.
"On his sixteenth birthday, he'll get a big prick" I paused for effect, but was thwarted by the King.
"Well, that doesn't sound like much of a curse, eh dear?" he sniggered, nudging the Queen.
" - and die!" I threw my head back, nearly impaling Beaky on one of my horns, and laughed maniacally. "Mwah hah hah hah hah hah ha!"
"Oh no!" Queen Dinah started to wail. "Do somethi-"
"I haven't finished yet" I interrupted, scowling. "Ahh hah hah hah hah hah hah ha!"
Thinking that was it, she opened her mouth for another go, but I beat her to it.
"Ha!" I concluded with a smirk on my face.
To be continued...